Monday, December 26, 2005
for the longest time, christmas has been a season of bittersweet feelings for me. happiness. sadness. excitement. disappointment. thankfulness. anger.
this year, its no different.
i don't know why i even bothered to expect and hope that it would be different.
this year, i told myself. this year will be different. this year i have nothing to be upset about. i have a bunch of lovely friends that i adore. i have a boyfriend. i have my family. i have a shitload of awesome presents.
oh, how bloody wrong i was.
i can't remember the last time i cried during christmas. i always make the effort to be happy, even if its just cos christmas is supposed to be joyous and all.
i ended up more disappointed that i can remember being in a long long time.
its more than just being angry at a person. its more than just pettiness. its more than all that.
its about having your heart broken. and on the day thats supposedly one of the happiest in the year.
its about losing faith in something that you once held so important, so precious, so cherished, so loved.
its about sadness, and anger, and tears, and apologies that don't mean jackshit.
what's done is done. no one can turn the clock back and make things right again. and that's that.
i guess you could say my christmas pretty much sucked major ass, once again.
i hope you enjoyed yours.
just one last question.
which do you think is better?
to be in a relationship, but constantly feeling like you're not in one,
to not be in a relationship at all?
i need to think. i need to sleep. i need to be alone. for awhile.
to my dearest boys and my lovely girls:
i hope all of you liked your presents. and i hope everyone had a good time these past few days.
i know for alot of you, this christmas is bittersweet as well. all i can say is, that i love you guys a huge load and i know its doesn't really help, but its as much as i can give.
thank you all for the wonderful presents. i love them all.
thank you for the laughs, for the food, for the friendships, for the love, for the insanity, for the comfortable silences, and most of all, for letting me be me when i'm with you guys.
merry christmas, once again.
much love and hugs,