My Name Is Eileen. I Am A Freakazoid. Hello.
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Saturday, July 23, 2005

musings

last night was a time of stunning revelations, shocks, heartfelt chats, reminiscing, advice dishing, philosophical waxings, and apologies.


i am smart. i make sense. i want to be a psychiatrist.


i revealed a secret to a certain someone.
a secret that i have kept from that certain someone for the past 1.5 years.
a secret i swore never to tell that certain someone.

sure, its a common secret - a few of my close friends know of it.

but the main person involved has had absolutely no idea all this while.

why did i keep this secret for so long? and why did i hide it from the one person that - as some would put it - had the most right and reason to know?

because of a lot of factors.


the situation at the time.
the circumstances.
the possible consequences.

i didn't want any awkwardness.
i didn't want any guiltiness.
i didn't want any sour feelings.
i didn't want any sadness.

i didn't want things to happen for the wrong reasons.

and then, as time went on, i just didn't see the need to reveal my secret anymore.

it doesn't matter, it didn't matter - not anymore. it really doesn't.

perhaps this is my closure, finally. after such a long journey. a journey that perhaps, had never really ended. not until now.




i guess you could say we've come full circle. the years have past, things have changed.

you will always be special to me, and i will always have a soft spot for you.

thank you for all the memories, and thank you for sticking around.


*****

lately, DOOFUS has been complaining that i've been moody/cranky/always showing him black him/always giving him one kind of fucked up attitude..

i don't know why. i don't know what's wrong with me.

i know that i DO miss him, and he does make me happy - happier than i've been in a long time - even though he majorly pisses me off sometimes.

extreme mood swings - i can be so happy one minute, but the next i'm the freaking bitch from hell with a huge durian up my ass.

i'm always trying to pick fights with him.
i'm always acting all mopey and sad and depressed around him.
i always steer the conversation topics to issues that will piss him off, just so i can get a reaction from him.

and even though he always tries to cheer me up,
even though he always tries to put up with me,
even though he always makes the first move to make up,
even though he always tries to give in to me,
even though he always tries to pacify me,

i still insist on remaining a stubborn bitch and unwilling to give in - even though every braincell and every fibre in my body and every feeling in my heart and every instinct in my gut is screaming at me to JUST LET IT GO and to STOP ACTING LIKE A FREAKING SPOILT BRAT.

i know that its starting to put a strain on things, and i realise that he's gonna run out of patience sooner or later.

but i just keep doing it.

i don't know.

i've been under a lot of stress lately, and a lot of stuff have been an enormous strain on me, personally and individually. all these problems are starting to erode the happiness in me. its slowly robbing me of joyfulness. its eating away, bit by bit, at my soul.

i don't know if i'm strong enough to withstand the pressure.


as it is, all this stress is making me go completely wonky. which is probably why i've been taking it out on DOOFUS.

what was that they always say - that you always end up hurting the people you love the most?

something like that. something about how "the people you are closest to always bear the brunt of your shite".

am i making excuses for my behaviour?

i have no idea, honestly. maybe i am, maybe i'm not. but it is the honest to god truth that i HAVE been under enormous stress lately, and all the problems just keep popping up and piling up.

i'm running out of room to breathe.


a friend remarked that i'm "happy insane". well, if this carries on for much longer, i'm just gonna be plain "insane insane". no more happy.

what the hell is wrong with me?!

maybe i've just been so unhappy in the past, that i don't know how to be happy anymore.


its like, i feel more... comfortable? when there's drama in my life..

i am so weird.

crap. well, now you know why my blog url is "sadomasochisticme" - because i like to inflict pain on myself, and others (specifically, the people that i love. but its not intentional, i swear!)

maybe i'm really going through depression again.
maybe its the weather.
maybe its my slightly irritating mild flu.
maybe i just think too much.
maybe i have serious issues.
maybe i should see a shrink.
maybe i just need to go out and get pissed drunk.
maybe its just PMS.

but you know what? i deserve to be happy.

so i'm gonna make a conscious effort.

stop acting like a moody, cranky bitch.
stop acting like a spoilt brat.

start appreciating the little blessings that i have in my life.

i'll try my best to be good. i promise.

if not for myself, then at least for you.

you, who has been so patient and so forgiving.
you, who has been my bright spark in the darkness.
you, who deserves to be happy too.


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